Everything You Need to Know About Grooming Your Behind!
When it comes to below-the-belt grooming, your junk generally gets all the attention. From shaving your balls to managing shaft hair, plus everything in between, the boys do their best to steal the spotlight whenever they can. Now, we certainly can’t blame you for paying your package heed—it is the main attraction, after all—but there is another underpants asset that deserves its moment in the sun. And that, friend, is your ass.
While it might not be the first thing you worry about, believe us when we say that you can’t keep an “out of sight, out of mind” attitude about grooming your hind quarters. On the contrary, in this year of Allison Williams’ HBO ass…uh, munching, you should be doing everything you can to get your derriere into tip-top shape. To help with this, we’ve compiled all the necessary information we’ve got about your behind here, answering any questions you might along the way.
What Should I Do About My Ass Hair?
Get rid of it. Or at least, get it under control. But doing so safely can mean a few different things.
- Trim It Down. If you’re looking keep the weeds at bay, but not ready to just go ahead and shave the damn thing bare, you’re going to want to get a body-specific clipper like the Philips Norelco Bodygroom. Designed with a rounded head to navigate the body’s contours, like those in your asscrack, it’ll help get things tidy right quick.
- Shave It Away. First things first: you’ll need a cartridge razor, as opposed to its single-blade safety counterpart. While the latter may provide a closer shave on your face, the former will be about a million times easier to navigate the narrow valley of your ass. As for technique, you should have a handheld mirror on hand to help you get a visual on more hard-to-picture places, lather up with a moisturizing shave cream, and use light, quick strokes to gently rid the area of hair.
- Wax It Off. The trouble with both of the above options, though, is stubble. Having a five o’clock shadow somewhere with as much friction as your asscrack will prove a truly uncomfortable situation in no time flat, and both shaving and trimming the area are apt to cause spikey re-growth in a week or two. Which is why many men opt for waxing their backsides. Quick and effective, a quick trip to a specialist will leave a crack hair-free for weeks to come. A tip here, though: trim the hair back to about ¼ inch ahead of time, so that it’s easier for the waxer, and wear loose underwear afterwards, to minimize potential for irritation and ingrown hairs on your newly smooth rear end.
- Other Options. Alternatively, you can use an epilator to get rid of the hair on your own. Made with 72 rotating tweezer-like heads, it plucks the hairs away, leaving your bum baby-soft without the risk of inter-cheek chafing.
How Can I Get My Ass to Stop Itching?
Got an itchy asscrack? Well, you’re not alone. Pruritus ani—the technical term for a scratchy bumhole—is described in the Annals of the Royal College of Surgeons of England as a common condition, stemming from any number of factors, from food and allergies to clothing to simply not wiping as thoroughly as you should be. In some rare cases, it can be a sign of something more serious, like colorectal or anal cancer, but generally it’s totally normal. That said, there are some things you can do to relieve the fire in your behind. Largely, they come down to managing moisture in the area; by keeping your ass as dry as possible, you minimize the chafing that most often causes irritation. (Also to be avoided: baby wipes, which with long-term use can lead to more scratching.)
What Should I Do About Swamp Ass?
Speaking of sweat, swamp ass can be a real drag. Luckily, it’s pretty easy to deal with. Wicking fabrics, like those in the compression shorts you use at the gym, are a great way to rid your undercarriage of unwanted moisture, so long as your pants are breathable enough for it to evaporate. If not, loose-fitting cotton underwear will help to absorb moisture and keep it away from the skin. Otherwise, options like Gold Bond spray and a quick swipe of antiperspirant can also work wonders to keep excess wetness in check.
What’s the Deal with Bidets?
Differences in opinion between Europeans and Americans run deep. Case in point: the bidet. While our continental counterparts swear by the things, you’d be hard-pressed to find such an ass-fountain in the vast majority of American homes. But hygienically, who’s got the upper hand? That answer’s complicated. According to some scientists, bidets can be particularly helpful if you’ve got hemorrhoids or other crack-related maladies, since they get rid of the friction caused by wiping on the regular. Still other studies, however, have shown that those same issues got better when patients stopped using a bidet, citing water pressure as a potential irritant.
How does this affect you? It doesn’t, really. For the average person, there has been no proven hygienic difference between TP and bidet usage. As you were, folks.
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